I thought I knew God. Sure, you can never fully know Him, but that’s the beauty of life, right? You get to keep digging deeper into His beauty and kindness and goodness. But over the last months I’ve been getting this sneaking suspicion that I don’t know God at all. I only know His Shadow. Then I read Leviticus and I realized I didn’t really know who my God is. Then something bad happened to someone good who shouldn’t ever have to deal with another bad thing ever again. And then I really realized. Who could this God possibly be?
The same God who met me and cradled me and carried me in the darkest time of my life turned a stony face to a child of His who sought His love. The same God who was served by prostitutes and sat with sinners said that no Levite with any physical defect could serve in His tabernacle. I mean really God? You let men with fallen sinful hearts serve in Your sanctuary, but no, a limp is too much, that’s where You draw the line? The same God who said He is not willing that any should perish sent thousands of innocent Egyptian boys to an untimely death. The same God who showers me with better gifts than the purest prophet ever deserved takes and takes and takes from faces who are genuinely turned towards Him.
I know it’s not a new question, but I didn’t know it was my question.
I don’t want to see a flat God. But my capacity for knowing and understanding is so insufficient.
Photo via Pinterest
I wake up in the morning and remember You.
You give me a breath and I roll out of bed
I look to the sky and You’re singing me a song
A Million tiny notes from heaven drift past my window
They soften the whole world in great white heaps
I can’t fathom the mass and the detail
I try to remember Your height, but it’s too high
I try to think on Your character, but it’s too vast
I try to see Your face, but it’s too beautiful
You’re that calm, vital, solid feeling of joy in my stomach
It could burst out and destroy me, but it just stays
Strong, Alive, Ever-Changing, Ever-Same
Bubbling, bursting, leaping
My heart is a cannon and a waterfall and a brand new lamb
Stretching, pulsing, reaching
My mind is a search-light and a child and musket-fire
Shapely, plump, full
My body breathes and moves and laughs
Today I noticed that a lot of the people I like the most laugh a lot. I think I don’t laugh enough. Sometimes I’m too tired or I think the joke is too lame or that the humor isn’t smart enough. But the funny thing is, is that when I put those things aside and just laugh, if only for the sake of the other person, I feel better and I laugh easier. I feel more connected to the people around me and I’m more relaxed and focused on them instead of me. There’s no good reason not to laugh, except for silly ones stemming from pride or selfishness. So laugh easily and often, it might make your world a little bit of a better place.
(I know there should be a cautionary clause about inappropriate jokes, jokes that poke fun at people in a hurtful way etc, but I think we all know that already.)
Today I noticed how very very wonderful God is. I had such a fabulous evening and it started out with me being stressed and sad and a bit angry. But then I began driving my route for Rise and as I picked up the kids I slowly began to forget myself and enjoy the wonderful people I had in my load. Our worship time was so full of joy and several of the kids glowed in awe and worship that was incredible to see. Minute by minute God poured out little blessings throughout the evening that snowballed into a huge ball of love. By the end of the evening it was just an explosion of joy in my chest that made me wish I could scream in a beautiful way. I’m so undeserving. But yet God chose to give me all these gifts. As if He hadn’t filled me to the bursting, after church I enjoyed nasty wings with the delicious company and laughed until I couldn’t breathe. What. How even is God so kind and generous? Scuse my lapse into teenagese but I rly can’t even.
Today I noticed the how satisfying it is to take a total wrinkle ball wad of cloth and make it clean and crisp and smooth. I kind of wish I could do that with my life. It feels like I’m doing more of thing where while you’re ironing out one wrinkle you turn around and magically you’ve ironed in a totally knew one. But I guess that’s kind of the point. I shouldn’t be trying to fix my life. I should be flexible and soft and tender and let God taking care of shaping me. You would think one of these days I would learn that.
I apologize that I didn’t get this posted yesterday.
Today I noticed how lovely it can be to care for living things. I was making the watering rounds so I knew every where I was supposed to water while Mom and Dad are gone later this month and at first I was impatient. I wanted to get on to other work and I sipped the hose from pot to pot. Then I realized I had to take my time cause the sudden burst or water was soaking some of the flowers leaving them a bedraggled mess. So I slowed down and suddenly, I began to notice things. The hot sun smiling down on my head, the contrast between the warm cement and the cold water on my toes, and the joyful heads of the flowers bobbing and smiling made me realize how very far off I was living. I moved back and forth between the flowers trying to give them the moisture they neede without drowning or attacking them and I had a thought. Perhaps all my work would be beautiful if I would slow down and live where I am.